Missing Person

I’ve been listening to the words of Michael W. Smith’s song, Missing Person. These words have dissected my heart and laid it bare before me. I looked at it and I couldn’t find the missing person. There is a boy I am looking for, and either he grew old or grew wings and flew away.

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain

And like a child he would believe without a reason

Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and

I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person

He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow

He had a fire he could feel it in the marrow

It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but

I’ve been searching for that missing person

There are times, like now, that I miss God. It’s not because I have sinned. I sin all the time, and I have felt him closest to me when I was committing some of the worst sins imaginable to man. It has taught me that sin never makes God withdraw his Spirit from me. He himself said he would never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5). I simply don’t know what’s going on.

But I still miss the boy that I was. I miss the blind faith and the exhilarating assurance of supernatural miracles. I am in a desert and I don’t even know how I got there. The thirst and hunger eat at me. I am totally exposed.

I am searching for that missing person.

I feel all alone, but I know I am not. So I write this to ask, is there anyone out there like me? Anyone tired of the emptiness that is so alien it causes you to dread yourself? Please call me, text me or send me an email. I know I was never meant to travel this journey alone. I don’t really need encouragement, because I know all the right words. I need someone who’s been there, or who is there. Someone who knows what it feels like to know something in your heart that doesn’t make sense to your head.

So I don’t know whether I’ll find that missing person who used to be me. I don’t care if I never find him, as long as I find someone better. But right now, I am looking back at the past, and wondering how I could leave it without erecting a monument. I sometimes love deceiving myself that the past is better than the future. 

Listen to the whole song, Missing Person here:

Cartoons For My Book!

My friend, Eric Keba has drawn some interesting cartoons for my upcoming book, What If God Doesn't Really Love You? I want to show off some of them, so you can laugh as hard as I also laughed. I also want you to know that these cartoons alone will be worth the cost of the book when it comes out.

Click on the cartoons to enlarge

Thanks a lot Eric. You are an angel.

Chocolate Vs Christ

I have had a rough day today. A lot of things have gone quite well. For example, I talked with two of my long-lost friends that I’d almost forgotten about. But some bad things have also happened. I won’t give examples lest you laugh at me. It is not the bad things that have made my day rough, but rather the combination of the two. My heart feels like it has been dumped into a running food processor, with the good stuff getting mixed with the bad stuff and messing me up.

So today, on my way from work, I visited a bakery and bought myself a chocolate cream cake in the name of counting it all joy when I fall into various trials (see James 1:2). You see, at church we say, “When you are faced with trials, throw a party.” And this was my way of throwing a party, or so I thought.

So I am seated at the dining table, taking an occasional bite on my chocolate cream cake, and asking myself some serious questions. For starters, if this is a party, it is a pity party. And I feel like an alcoholic turning to his bottle to drown out his problems. I am almost sure that the pleasure I am getting from the chocolate cream cake will not last long.

While it is good not to take life too seriously and to laugh at some of our problems, where do we draw the line between being carefree, and turning to something pleasurable to fulfil our deepest needs? I have come to realise that in this life, nothing really satisfies. Most times when we decide to get born again and clean up our lives, all we do is exchange bad behaviours with good ones, thinking that it will bring satisfaction in our lives. We need to realise that anyone can become good out of their own will-power. I know many non-Christian friends of mine who behave better than me.

I know it is pretty obvious that bad habits like smoking and drinking never satisfy. But I want to tell you that even the good ones also never satisfy. Even as I eat this cake, I know it won’t satisfy my deepest desire.

Only Christ satisfies.

Many times God has to knock us off our high horses so we can realise that him, and him only can satisfy. I sometimes turn to chocolate to drown out my pain. Another person turns to television, another to work, another to gardening, and most Christians turn to charity work and ministry. But all of these leave us empty and feeling dejected.

Only Christ satisfies.

I’ve only eaten half of the chocolate cake. It has lost its appeal because I know that compared to Christ, this chocolate is no match. It cannot bring lasting satisfaction.

What about you? When you are drowning in trials or problems, when you are wallowing in guilt or doubt, what do you turn to?

The Valley of The Shadow of Death

I’ve been to hell and come back. I don’t know your definition of hell, but my hell was loneliness, agony, depression, guilt and condemnation. The world has come crashing down on me before. But I am still alive.

I don’t know whether I am any stronger, or wiser. But who cares? I am still alive. And I am not alone. I have someone by my side at all times. He loves me, accepts me, and delights in me.

Over five years ago, I wrote a song. I was in the pits, the kind that David described as the valley of the shadow of death. At that point, I got to know that even in the valley of the shadow of death, He never left me. He still loved me.

He was always there, even when I didn’t feel him. That was why, in the middle of my pain and confusion, I wrote these words:

Before the world began

Before shape was formed

When sun, moon and stars

Never lit the sky

You were there

Across the firmament

Skies and heavens formed

With the spoken word

Unquestionably superior

You were there

Our forefathers saw you not

Prophets only dreamt

Archaeologists searched

But none could see that

You were there

Before your plan was fulfilled

Before I was thought of

In my mother’s womb you knit

And before she knew it

You were there

Out into the world I came

No silver spoon in mouth

And I could not see you

But in a glimmer of hope

You were there

My tears could forever flow

Agony, loneliness, ruin

That was I

Forever out of sight you seemed

But you were there

When I cried and wept

When I suffered loneliness

When nostalgia crept in

When hopelessness reigned

You were there

At first I never knew

But then your word said so

You are there in our hardest times

That is when I saw that

You were there.

That is when I saw that

You were there.

Are you in your own version of the valley of the shadow of death? He is there.

I AM AT A NAKED PARADE

Somebody called me a Universalist. I took it as a compliment, because one thing I know about Universalists is that they take God’s love to the extreme, even though sometimes it is screwed up. And I have always longed to be accused of taking God’s love to the extreme.

Now for those who are wondering whether I really am a Universalist, rest assured I am not. I don’t take any labels.

I also want people to know that I am not a heterosexual. Neither am I gay.

I am not a Pentecostal, Evangelical, Anglican or any other denomination man has ever cooked up. I don’t subscribe to any religious affiliation. I am not a Theist. And that doesn’t make me an Atheist.

I am not a chef. I am not a writer. I am not a musician.

I think I should also add this: I am not Ugandan, though I am very patriotic. I don’t litter on our city’s streets.

I am me. And I guess that’s why I don’t fit.

I have dropped all labels, even the ones that would look impressive on a certificate or plaque. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal.

I am just me.

Very many people fight for my attention, and when they realise that I don’t belong to their clique, they drop me like a hot coal. I know I would have more friends if I wore the same tee-shirt like them or stood up for the same causes as them. But I have dropped all labels.

If anyone ever remembers me, I want them to remember me as someone who was himself. If anyone ever accepts me, I want them to accept me for who I really am, not because I am just like them.

Heterosexuals throw stones at homosexuals. Homosexuals throw stones at heterosexuals. Muslims hate Christians and the Christians retaliate with false humility. One political party squashes another. And it’s all because everyone is proud of their label and don’t want to drop it.

In today’s world, a label is worth everything. People will kill for labels or die for them. That’s why there are suicide bombers. No woman would abort an unwanted child if she didn’t fear the label that would be pasted on her if society found out about it. Another would refuse to abort because she fears the label she would get from society if they knew her intentions.

Prada, Versace, Nokia, Microsoft and other labels wouldn’t be leaders in the market if undue importance was not subscribed to labels.

South Africans would not have endured Apartheid, and the Rwandan Genocide would never have happened if there were no labels.

That’s why I dropped mine, even at the expense of being shunned and ridiculed. I left the camp at the risk of losing friends or ever gaining new ones. And I am content where I am.

So next time you see me, and realise I am naked, just know that I don’t care. I’ve stripped myself of all pretences. Nothing matters to me. Only one thing really matters: Christ. For “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NKJV)

Does anyone want to join me in my naked parade? Can you risk being naked and not ashamed? Drop your labels!

ASK THE BIG, HARD QUESTIONS

I haven’t blogged in quite a while now. It’s not that I have been dealing with writer’s block. I’ve been thinking. And asking questions. I have read a few books and watched a few movies. I even watched a documentary about gay people. The last two weeks have been great for me. So I thought I should share with you something that has been gnawing on my heart lately.

Questions. Big, hard questions.

Have you ever realised that we all have some dearly held beliefs? Some of us are so attached to our world views so tightly that we would kill or die for them. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, “What if I’ve believed wrong all my life?”

Some of us have grown up in church. We’ve been fed Christianity without questioning anything. Actually, the only questions we would ask would be so we could get the pastor’s opinion about a subject so we could know what to think about that subject. We were only allowed to ask the simple questions like, “Is it ok to go to church on Sunday?” “Is drinking a sin?”

Most of the questions we were allowed to ask only needed a simple answer of “Yes” or “No.”  And we were not supposed to ask “Why”

We cannot ask, “Why would a God of love send people to hell?” “Why is it only the pastor who is supposed to stand up there every Sunday?” “Why is homosexuality bad?”

Of course a few of us asked such bold questions. We were given instant, pre-packaged answers, which, when opposed, got us kicked out.

We asked, “Why can’t we go out to the nightclub?”

The pastor said, “It’s a sin.”

“Why is it a sin?”

“Because the Bible says so.”

“What if the Bible is wrong?”

You don’t want to know what happened afterwards.

But what if we are wrong? What if the pastor is wrong? What if the professors and philosophers are wrong? Can we swallow the fact that our world view could be wrong, that we could actually be practical atheists?

What if our idea of truth is shutting our mind from learning something new? What if we always quickly discount something because it doesn’t line up with our dearly-held beliefs, even without searching it out for validity?

Arthur Schopenhauer, a nineteenth-century German Philosopher said, “"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as self-evident."

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself whether your version of truth is actually wrong, and what you are ridiculing or violently opposing might actually be the truth?

Proverbs 18:17 says, “In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.”

Here is some homework: Cross examine what you believe.

"The unexamined life is not worth living."—SOCRATES

Gaining Perspective Through Painting

My friend Ericson and I spent a week painting. We painted pictures on the walls of a nursery school. And I think we did a pretty good job, although this was my first painting job and I didn’t have any time to train. I learnt on the job.

There is something Eric did that kept nagging me. Every few minutes, he would step away from the painting and look at it from a distance. I thought this was a waste of time. He didn’t have any right to enjoy watching an unfinished painting!

So while he stepped back and watched his painting take shape, I would crouch over my painting, concentrating on a face that was having a hard time looking human. Then I would complain that the shade of brown I mixed wasn’t right for the face. But Eric didn’t look concerned at all. He would mix all the wrong colours and I would chastise him for it. But he would go ahead with his experiments.

On the last day of the job, I stepped back and looked at our paintings for the very first time. My jaw dropped! I was looking at the best painting I have ever made! Of course it was the first painting I’ve ever made, but it looked beautiful—much more beautiful than it looked while I was fussing over the face that was refusing to look human.

Then I looked over at Eric’s painting. It was a profusion of colour. And it looked magnificent!

That was when God spoke to me. He said one word.

“Perspective.”

And it dawned on me. I looked at the paintings, and all I saw was my life. I realised that I had wasted a lot of time fussing over the little things in my life that refused to line up with my expectations. There were the frustrating relationships, the unfulfilled dreams, the little time, the overwhelming schoolwork, the little money, et cetera, et cetera.

I was spending too much time focusing on the unimportant.

That day, God showed me the right perspective. I stood back and looked at my life from a distance. I saw all the friends around me who loved me like crazy. I saw the manuscript that’s completed and waiting to be published and my renewed interest in fine art. I saw the many more years that stretched ahead of me—years that were far more than the ones I had lived so far. I saw the less than 365 days of schoolwork that were remaining. I saw the money that was waiting to be harvested from my writing, cooking and maybe painting. And I saw life. A great life!

So from that day forward, I purposed that whenever life tries to bog me down, I will stop looking at one ugly square centimetre on the painting. I will step back, and see the whole painting take shape. I am pretty sure I will always like what I will see when I step back.P

Where Is God?

I sat on the steps leading to the Uganda Martyrs’ Shrine. The whole place was crowded. It was my first time to come to this famous place in Namugongo, Uganda, on 3^rd June, the Uganda Martyrs’ day, a day when the Church remembers the martyrdom of the Uganda Martyrs for their religious zeal.

Earlier, I had tried to participate in the mass that was underway, but I realized that there were people who loved God more than I did and they had secured themselves all the vantage points. The only option I was left with was to sit in the sweltering heat and try listening to the proceedings from the mass on the speakers. Of course it was not as interesting as watching the men of God in their priestly colourful garb and the choir with dancing women. Soon, boredom kicked in and I welcomed it by looking around to find something to feed my active imagination.

I didn’t have to look further than the doors of the Shrine. They are heavy wooden doors on which the faces of the martyrs were sculpted. It is an impressive sight if you are a tourist, an artist or one who appreciates good art like I do. But this time, it was not the art that I was appreciating, because, a throng of pilgrims (did I tell you everyone around was supposedly a pilgrim?) were pressing against the doors.

Now this aroused my curiosity.

I stood up from the dusty steps, dusted my rear, and inched forward for a better look.

Most of the people pressing themselves against the door, I realized, were middle-aged and old men and women. They held handkerchiefs and rosaries which they rubbed against the faces of the martyrs. This intrigued me.

Then a gentleman left the bunch. It looked like he had wiped the martyrs’ faces long enough. I noticed that he had tears in his eyes. But it was not only tears. There was a look of desperation on his face.

As I looked at this middle-aged gentleman, dressed in non-descript trousers and a shirt, it dawned on me that this must not be his first time to wipe the faces of the sainted martyrs. And it looked like this time his faith was wavering. My heart went out to him. Whatever his problem was, he had faith in the intercession of the martyrs. And apparently, they had let him down a number of times. He hoped this time they would be considerate.

As the gentleman got lost in the crowd, my attention was drawn to another sight. This one was of a wooden sculpture of one older martyr (Matia Lwanga) baptizing a younger martyr (Kizito Omuto), most probably before their martyrdom. Many people surrounded this one too. They touched the sculpture with Rosaries and other pieces of clothing as they whispered memorized prayers.

One thing was common with all of them: there was desperation in their eyes.

I did not know any of the people around personally, but I could not help but guess the problems they had. That old lady holding a large rosary must be having a chronic illness. That slim gentleman must be suffering from acute poverty. Maybe the young lady over there had a problematic marriage. And who knew if that well-dressed woman at the corner with a plain countenance didn’t have a relative dying of cancer in an Indian hospital?

If God could only hear their pleas!

 Couldn’t a God of love see that they had suffered enough for whatever sins they had committed? I was even tempted to ask myself whether there can be a God who loves us, given the pain and suffering in the world. If he really was there, he was not showing it. For goodness’ sake, most of these people had made pilgrimages—that is, walked—from as far as Burundi to come and make their petitions through the sainted martyrs, again.

I am not very sure whether all of them received answers to their prayers. Maybe I’ll never know. But I was very sure that many of them were not making their prayers for the first time. The despondency on their faces showed that they had prayed over and over again and God either seemed not to hear them or was too busy doing other more important things.

It was a hopeless situation for most of them.

All I could do was wonder: where was God?

(Excerpt from What If God Doesn't Really Love You?)

I Will Remain Me

A raging storm

Thundering noise

My heart beats like a drum roll

My brow’s wet with a cold sweat

And my eyes are saucers

A four-stringed quartet

Beautiful symphony

A bow kisses a violin string

A lullaby steals my alertness

And my eyes are slits

A silent whisper

A cool breeze

Your hand brushes over mine

Your lips kiss my cheek

And my eyes are closed

Whatever may come

Whatever may go

At all times

I will remain me

I will remain me

GRACE, The Forbidden Gospel, A Book Review

I don’t remember when I first went to church, but I know I have been a church-goer my whole life. However, about four years ago, I was faced with the glaring fact that although I called myself a Christian, I didn’t really know Jesus Christ on a personal level. I knew all the right words to say and all the right things to do. But I didn’t have life.

In a moment of despair, God showed me how much he loved me. It was like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders, like I’d been blind but now could see. For the first time in my life, I knew that God loved me anyway, irrespective of what I did or didn’t do.

For a long time, that remained a truth shut up in my heart. I enjoyed a sense of peace and freedom that couldn’t be explained in any way. The only problem was I didn’t know how to share what I had in my heart with someone. I didn’t have the right words or the right scriptures.

And then I landed on André van der Merwe’s book, Grace, The Forbidden Gospel.

That was when I had I light-bulb moment! The deeper I delved into the book, the more my heart got warmed. This was what I had been looking for.

Grace, The Forbidden Gospel gives the basics of the Gospel of Grace, which is the only true Gospel. It is a theological book but without the academic writing you would expect from a Doctor of Divinity, since André is a mechanic. Using simple language, he paints for us a picture of God’s loving and gracious heart. He dishes out tonnes of scripture to back up almost everything he says, so you can know that he’s not feeding you with hogwash.

Grace, The Forbidden Gospel reads like a Grace FAQ. The book tackles questions like

•       Do Christians have a sinful nature?
•       Can a Christian “Fall out of Grace”?
•       Must we tithe?
•       Why do Christians sin?
•       Do Christians need to confess their sins?
•       Why should we live a holy lifestyle?
•       Is God angry with unbelievers?
•       Will obeying the Law give me victory over sin?
•       And many more

I have read many books on the subject of Grace, but none is as straightforward, simple and candid as Grace, The Forbidden Gospel.

If you think you have figured out the Christian faith, this book is not for you. It is for the open-minded, the one who is not afraid of asking bold questions and looking for the answers.

André has offered Grace, The Forbidden Gospel as a free e-book download on his website. Click here to download it. Or go to Amazon to purchase a copy.