I Walked in the Rain

I walked in the rain

A gentle drizzle on my head

Cooling my brain

And washing away the headache

I walked in the rain

Gently pattering rain

Blurring my vision

And washing away the reality

I walked in the rain

Large, ominous drops

Seeping through skin

And washing away the loneliness

I walked in the rain

Cats and dogs and more

Raping my senses

And washing away the innocence

Getting Comfortable With Writer's Block

I haven’t written in quite a while now. There is this huge case of writer’s block that I am nursing. It was nagging at first. Then I got comfortable with it. Now I even play with it. I’m starting to think it is normal. Right now, I’m only writing to tell you that the reason I haven’t been writing is because of the writer’s block. So don’t expect this to be a good piece.

So what have I been up to? I’ve been very, very busy. I’m not sure of what kept me so busy. But my mind has been in overdrive these past few weeks. I haven’t been able to read a book to completion. I haven’t even posted as often on Facebook as I am expected to post. Lately, I share other people’s posts. I share so much that it’s freaking me out!

My heart has been in an emotional blender. I’m still recovering from the experience. So I guess that has also contributed to my writer’s block. I was scared of writing, lest I opened up my heart and the whole world got to know what’s inside. I actually tried it, but I pulled down the blog post before it had been read by 10 people. It was too personal for my own liking.

Lately, I’ve gotten to enjoy the friendship of people around me. I sing at church. I try to make new friends. I’ve even been able to say hi to a few strangers while hiding behind a disposable cup of soda after Sunday service. There is a girl who is smiling so much at me every Sunday. I think she likes me.

That doesn’t mean I’ve become religious all of a sudden. Actually, I’m shedding more and more religion every day. I no longer go to church as a duty. I go because of the people there. And because I’ve realized I can still sing. I’m tired of being lonely. That reminds me. It’s a long time since I last had a drink. Someone needs to take me out soon.

I wrote a book. The title is “What If God Doesn’t ReallyLove You?” I was so excited about it. But my friends have been asking what happened to it since I’ve been quiet about it of late. Well, it is still in the works.  I’m sorry I haven’t talked about it in a long time. There has been a lot going on, I’ve even forgotten some of the stuff I wrote in that book. But I should get it out sometime soon. Maybe I’ll offer a free e-book download for you all here. Keep looking out for it.

I’m thinking so hard about starting to write a novel in December. By then the writer’s block better be lifted, otherwise I’ll strangle it with my bare hands!

So friends, if you’ve been missing my blog posts and my chronic online presence, know that I still exist. I love you. And I’ll be back as soon as I get tired of being comfortable with my writer’s block.

You Are More Than Your Tears

When the sun is in the sky

I see the new day

As for blue skies

I see grey shadows

When nobody around

Sees through my pain

And the last person I need

Tends to walk away

When I see no hope for tomorrow

And every step is a drag

When my tears fall like rain

And all I try to eat

Tastes like pepper

I want to run

From myself

Where do I run to?

To whom do I run?

When I try to pray

And no words can form

When every effort to praise

Leaves me more depressed

When I think of me

I am so broken

I’m like shattered glass

Sometimes I know not what

At times I know

And in the stillness of night

And the turmoil of day

He comforts me

Gently whispers

I am more than your tears

For you are more than your tears

Hold Me

I was lying on a plank of wood
a residue from a sunken ship
in the middle of sea, the middle of nowhere
tried hard to reach out my hand
at the cost of sinking deep
i could sink a thousand feet deep

so i call you
and you answer
in my deepest need

i need you to hold me
hold me
would you please hold me?
I love you, i need you
more than anything
i need you to hold me

my prayers ricocheted
against the gray sky
i could shout and the echo would come back
not even a pin-hole
was open in the sky
to let a single raindrop fall

so i call you
and you answer
in my deepest need

My Birthday Wish-List

Exactly one month from now, I’ll be turning 21. I am so excited for no apparent reason. So I thought I’d write out a list of the gifts I expect on that day. You see, I’ve realised that birthdays are no longer what they used to be a few years ago. We no longer have time for parties or cards. All we get are messages on Facebook. So I guess that will be the first thing on my list.

So here’s the list:

• Lots and lots of birthday wishes on Facebook
• A bottle of dry white wine, either South African or Italian
• A bottle of brandy or sherry
• A phone I can use to read pdf documents
• A charcoal grill or braai
• Chocolate balls from Uchumi supermarket
• Oreos
• Airtime
• Lots of money (contact me for my bank account number)
• A high quality chef’s knife
• I don’t know what else

·      

I can’t wait for 18^th October to come!

Why I Am A Christian

Yesterday a friend of mine expressed his concern for me on Facebook, that I was leaving my faith in Christ. Here is how he stated it:

My dear brother Paul Kisakye, I can't help it but noticed your relentless harassment towards the body of Christ through your posts lately.

First you defy Paul's warning against being buddies with non believers (what do righteousness and darkness have in common? 2 Corinthians 6:15)

Then you blatantly deny the existence of hell (as if sinners won't be punished after enjoying the pleasures of the world and satisfied the desires of their flesh when believers are giving them up for the rewards from their sky daddy.) The scripture is pretty clear ((Daniel 12:2,3; Matthew 25:46; John 5:28; Revelation 20:14,15)

Now this lugezigezi of mbu subjecting things to reason (as if the bible is not enough), defending abominable acts like homosexuality. It's not clear anymore in whose base you've set camp. I worry you may be derailing off your course, if you're not careful, you may be booking yourself a spot next to me in that place where there'll be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Mathew 13:50)

 

Well, as fate would have it, the post garnered 42 comments from a mixture of atheists, agnostics and Christians, like me.

It came as a shock to me that I had slipped so far from my childhood Christian beliefs so much that other people were noticing! I like keeping a low profile, so at first I thought I should come out and clear my name so that I can stay in the good books of some of my Christian friends. Then I thought, to hell with them! I choose my own spiritual path.

But that doesn’t mean that his observation didn’t make me question some of my beliefs. I asked myself whether I was still Christian. My conscience told me that I was still treading the straight and narrow. I actually remembered that I can’t leave it, however much I wanted, simply because nothing can separate me from God’s love for me. He loves me anyway and nothing will change that.

On further examination of my heart, I realised that what had actually changed was my definition of “Christian.” I am no longer defined by my theological stand on “Christian” issues like homosexuality, abortion, hell, heaven, etc. All that matters to me now is Christ. All other things are bull shit (see Philippians 3:7-9)

I no longer give a rip about whether I am right or wrong. Who cares if I know all the right doctrines, or if I can quote chunks of scripture, if I can’t love my neighbour?

So yes, I am still a Christian, because I have encountered Christ. There has been a radical change in my life that I can’t account to any effort on my own. I have seen things that have no other explanation apart from the miraculous hand of God. I am convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that there is a God who loves me more than I’ll ever comprehend.

One thing makes sense to me now: Christ. All other things pale in comparison to his love, grace and reality. So I’d rather have Christ than anything else. And I guess that’s what makes me a Christian.

My dear friend, who was worried about me, rest easy. A lot of stuff may be happening to me right now, causing me to change my theology. But one thing will never change: Christ.

My Rant Against The Bible

I woke up this morning with a burning desire in my gut to rant against the Bible. I didn’t have any reason whatsoever to carry on my rant, till a Facebook friend gave me a reason. He shared a picture about the Bible. This is a picture that has made its rounds on Facebook and whenever I see it, my fists clench involuntarily.

Here is the picture:

This picture reminded me of those days in the Roman Catholic high school I attended where kids used to sleep with Bibles under their pillows to chase away bad dreams. I don’t know how that works, but I am very sure that it didn’t work for me because I didn’t sleep with a Bible under my pillow and I never had any nightmares.

From the time it was compiled about 400 years ago, the Bible has risen to prominence to become the World’s undisputed Number 1 bestseller, translated into almost every language on earth. It has been used as a text book in schools and as a constitution in many civilisations. The Bible has been used to start wars and to end them. Countless numbers of people have died, trying to protect the sacred book.

My question today is, is it really worth it?

Reading the statements in the picture above makes me wonder, how did people survive without the Bible? I am persuaded to believe that either there is no devil, or these allegations are totally unfounded. If it was true, then the most unfortunate people on earth, the ones that would be haunted by the devil most, would be the illiterate.

Have you ever wondered how people existed before the Bible? If you are a Christian and have been well-bred in church, then you’ve most probably been deceived about the power the Bible yields. And if you’ve watched Christian Nigerian movies, then you’ve seen a pastor waving a Bible over demons and lightning shooting out of the big black book, causing the demons to disintegrate into a thousand pieces. All this feeds us with the lies that the Bible is a supernatural charm of sorts.

But hey! Let me burst your bubble! The Bible is not really that powerful a book! Guys in the early church managed to live without it, and they had a better Christian experience than what most Christians experience today.

So if you have any problem and you go to a pastor or counsellor and they tell you to read your Bible more often or longer, then that’s a lie.

Even Jesus spoke against the Bible. He said, “You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life. (John 5:39, 40, NKJV)

Phew! My rant is done! And I said all of this so I could tell you one simple truth: The Bible is simply ink and paper—a piece of trash— without God breathing His life into it.

Read carefully.

Unconditional Love?

Yesterday I told a friend that I loved her. She told me to explain to her which kind of love that was. “I hope it’s Agape,” she said.

That got me thinking, who in this world has got agape love? Please help me. I am looking for someone who loves without condition. Send me an email when you find one, because I have failed.

Last year, a friend of mine and I wrote a song. These are the words of the bridge:

I wouldn’t have you if you were ugly

You wouldn’t care if I was a fool

So tell me what you call love

Cuz I never knew you

I wouldn’t have you if you were unknown

You wouldn’t care if I was poor

So tell me what you call love

Cuz I never knew you

I never knew you.

That is my idea about love. Please correct me if I am wrong. All I know is, everyone loves you for either who you are or what you have. Take, for example, a mother’s love—the purest form of love on earth. I doubt whether that mother would love her child the same way if the child were not hers.

I must admit that there are some very loving people in the world. One of them was Mother Teresa. And I salute her. The world is a much better place because of people like her. While I don’t know Mother Teresa personally, from my own observation, I have realised that most people who love the disadvantaged wouldn’t love them if they were not in that state. Therefore, their love for people in need is with the condition that the recipient of the love is in need.

The people who boast in loving unconditionally love on condition that they take nothing from the recipient of their love so that people can think that their love is unconditional. The feeling of loving unconditionally is a condition in itself.

So who the hell can stand up and boast of loving unconditionally?

I’ve been loved unconditionally before, so I am not trying to complain. I have friends and family members who have loved me without condition. But that love is not always there. I don’t see it every day. And I only see it when these people let God love me through them.

I have learnt my lesson. I never demand to be loved unconditionally. And I don’t try to love unconditionally. But when I love unconditionally, great stuff always happens, because it’s not all the time, and whenever it happens, it is always God loving these people through me.

Only God is love. Only God is capable of loving without condition. And he always loves through people. If you want to love me without condition, don’t try. Simply let God love me through you.

Those are my thoughts on unconditional love. What are yours?