Hold Me

I was lying on a plank of wood
a residue from a sunken ship
in the middle of sea, the middle of nowhere
tried hard to reach out my hand
at the cost of sinking deep
i could sink a thousand feet deep

so i call you
and you answer
in my deepest need

i need you to hold me
hold me
would you please hold me?
I love you, i need you
more than anything
i need you to hold me

my prayers ricocheted
against the gray sky
i could shout and the echo would come back
not even a pin-hole
was open in the sky
to let a single raindrop fall

so i call you
and you answer
in my deepest need

My Birthday Wish-List

Exactly one month from now, I’ll be turning 21. I am so excited for no apparent reason. So I thought I’d write out a list of the gifts I expect on that day. You see, I’ve realised that birthdays are no longer what they used to be a few years ago. We no longer have time for parties or cards. All we get are messages on Facebook. So I guess that will be the first thing on my list.

So here’s the list:

• Lots and lots of birthday wishes on Facebook
• A bottle of dry white wine, either South African or Italian
• A bottle of brandy or sherry
• A phone I can use to read pdf documents
• A charcoal grill or braai
• Chocolate balls from Uchumi supermarket
• Oreos
• Airtime
• Lots of money (contact me for my bank account number)
• A high quality chef’s knife
• I don’t know what else

·      

I can’t wait for 18^th October to come!

Why I Am A Christian

Yesterday a friend of mine expressed his concern for me on Facebook, that I was leaving my faith in Christ. Here is how he stated it:

My dear brother Paul Kisakye, I can't help it but noticed your relentless harassment towards the body of Christ through your posts lately.

First you defy Paul's warning against being buddies with non believers (what do righteousness and darkness have in common? 2 Corinthians 6:15)

Then you blatantly deny the existence of hell (as if sinners won't be punished after enjoying the pleasures of the world and satisfied the desires of their flesh when believers are giving them up for the rewards from their sky daddy.) The scripture is pretty clear ((Daniel 12:2,3; Matthew 25:46; John 5:28; Revelation 20:14,15)

Now this lugezigezi of mbu subjecting things to reason (as if the bible is not enough), defending abominable acts like homosexuality. It's not clear anymore in whose base you've set camp. I worry you may be derailing off your course, if you're not careful, you may be booking yourself a spot next to me in that place where there'll be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Mathew 13:50)

 

Well, as fate would have it, the post garnered 42 comments from a mixture of atheists, agnostics and Christians, like me.

It came as a shock to me that I had slipped so far from my childhood Christian beliefs so much that other people were noticing! I like keeping a low profile, so at first I thought I should come out and clear my name so that I can stay in the good books of some of my Christian friends. Then I thought, to hell with them! I choose my own spiritual path.

But that doesn’t mean that his observation didn’t make me question some of my beliefs. I asked myself whether I was still Christian. My conscience told me that I was still treading the straight and narrow. I actually remembered that I can’t leave it, however much I wanted, simply because nothing can separate me from God’s love for me. He loves me anyway and nothing will change that.

On further examination of my heart, I realised that what had actually changed was my definition of “Christian.” I am no longer defined by my theological stand on “Christian” issues like homosexuality, abortion, hell, heaven, etc. All that matters to me now is Christ. All other things are bull shit (see Philippians 3:7-9)

I no longer give a rip about whether I am right or wrong. Who cares if I know all the right doctrines, or if I can quote chunks of scripture, if I can’t love my neighbour?

So yes, I am still a Christian, because I have encountered Christ. There has been a radical change in my life that I can’t account to any effort on my own. I have seen things that have no other explanation apart from the miraculous hand of God. I am convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that there is a God who loves me more than I’ll ever comprehend.

One thing makes sense to me now: Christ. All other things pale in comparison to his love, grace and reality. So I’d rather have Christ than anything else. And I guess that’s what makes me a Christian.

My dear friend, who was worried about me, rest easy. A lot of stuff may be happening to me right now, causing me to change my theology. But one thing will never change: Christ.

My Rant Against The Bible

I woke up this morning with a burning desire in my gut to rant against the Bible. I didn’t have any reason whatsoever to carry on my rant, till a Facebook friend gave me a reason. He shared a picture about the Bible. This is a picture that has made its rounds on Facebook and whenever I see it, my fists clench involuntarily.

Here is the picture:

This picture reminded me of those days in the Roman Catholic high school I attended where kids used to sleep with Bibles under their pillows to chase away bad dreams. I don’t know how that works, but I am very sure that it didn’t work for me because I didn’t sleep with a Bible under my pillow and I never had any nightmares.

From the time it was compiled about 400 years ago, the Bible has risen to prominence to become the World’s undisputed Number 1 bestseller, translated into almost every language on earth. It has been used as a text book in schools and as a constitution in many civilisations. The Bible has been used to start wars and to end them. Countless numbers of people have died, trying to protect the sacred book.

My question today is, is it really worth it?

Reading the statements in the picture above makes me wonder, how did people survive without the Bible? I am persuaded to believe that either there is no devil, or these allegations are totally unfounded. If it was true, then the most unfortunate people on earth, the ones that would be haunted by the devil most, would be the illiterate.

Have you ever wondered how people existed before the Bible? If you are a Christian and have been well-bred in church, then you’ve most probably been deceived about the power the Bible yields. And if you’ve watched Christian Nigerian movies, then you’ve seen a pastor waving a Bible over demons and lightning shooting out of the big black book, causing the demons to disintegrate into a thousand pieces. All this feeds us with the lies that the Bible is a supernatural charm of sorts.

But hey! Let me burst your bubble! The Bible is not really that powerful a book! Guys in the early church managed to live without it, and they had a better Christian experience than what most Christians experience today.

So if you have any problem and you go to a pastor or counsellor and they tell you to read your Bible more often or longer, then that’s a lie.

Even Jesus spoke against the Bible. He said, “You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life. (John 5:39, 40, NKJV)

Phew! My rant is done! And I said all of this so I could tell you one simple truth: The Bible is simply ink and paper—a piece of trash— without God breathing His life into it.

Read carefully.

Unconditional Love?

Yesterday I told a friend that I loved her. She told me to explain to her which kind of love that was. “I hope it’s Agape,” she said.

That got me thinking, who in this world has got agape love? Please help me. I am looking for someone who loves without condition. Send me an email when you find one, because I have failed.

Last year, a friend of mine and I wrote a song. These are the words of the bridge:

I wouldn’t have you if you were ugly

You wouldn’t care if I was a fool

So tell me what you call love

Cuz I never knew you

I wouldn’t have you if you were unknown

You wouldn’t care if I was poor

So tell me what you call love

Cuz I never knew you

I never knew you.

That is my idea about love. Please correct me if I am wrong. All I know is, everyone loves you for either who you are or what you have. Take, for example, a mother’s love—the purest form of love on earth. I doubt whether that mother would love her child the same way if the child were not hers.

I must admit that there are some very loving people in the world. One of them was Mother Teresa. And I salute her. The world is a much better place because of people like her. While I don’t know Mother Teresa personally, from my own observation, I have realised that most people who love the disadvantaged wouldn’t love them if they were not in that state. Therefore, their love for people in need is with the condition that the recipient of the love is in need.

The people who boast in loving unconditionally love on condition that they take nothing from the recipient of their love so that people can think that their love is unconditional. The feeling of loving unconditionally is a condition in itself.

So who the hell can stand up and boast of loving unconditionally?

I’ve been loved unconditionally before, so I am not trying to complain. I have friends and family members who have loved me without condition. But that love is not always there. I don’t see it every day. And I only see it when these people let God love me through them.

I have learnt my lesson. I never demand to be loved unconditionally. And I don’t try to love unconditionally. But when I love unconditionally, great stuff always happens, because it’s not all the time, and whenever it happens, it is always God loving these people through me.

Only God is love. Only God is capable of loving without condition. And he always loves through people. If you want to love me without condition, don’t try. Simply let God love me through you.

Those are my thoughts on unconditional love. What are yours?

Missing Person

I’ve been listening to the words of Michael W. Smith’s song, Missing Person. These words have dissected my heart and laid it bare before me. I looked at it and I couldn’t find the missing person. There is a boy I am looking for, and either he grew old or grew wings and flew away.

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain

And like a child he would believe without a reason

Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and

I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person

He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow

He had a fire he could feel it in the marrow

It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately but

I’ve been searching for that missing person

There are times, like now, that I miss God. It’s not because I have sinned. I sin all the time, and I have felt him closest to me when I was committing some of the worst sins imaginable to man. It has taught me that sin never makes God withdraw his Spirit from me. He himself said he would never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5). I simply don’t know what’s going on.

But I still miss the boy that I was. I miss the blind faith and the exhilarating assurance of supernatural miracles. I am in a desert and I don’t even know how I got there. The thirst and hunger eat at me. I am totally exposed.

I am searching for that missing person.

I feel all alone, but I know I am not. So I write this to ask, is there anyone out there like me? Anyone tired of the emptiness that is so alien it causes you to dread yourself? Please call me, text me or send me an email. I know I was never meant to travel this journey alone. I don’t really need encouragement, because I know all the right words. I need someone who’s been there, or who is there. Someone who knows what it feels like to know something in your heart that doesn’t make sense to your head.

So I don’t know whether I’ll find that missing person who used to be me. I don’t care if I never find him, as long as I find someone better. But right now, I am looking back at the past, and wondering how I could leave it without erecting a monument. I sometimes love deceiving myself that the past is better than the future. 

Listen to the whole song, Missing Person here:

Cartoons For My Book!

My friend, Eric Keba has drawn some interesting cartoons for my upcoming book, What If God Doesn't Really Love You? I want to show off some of them, so you can laugh as hard as I also laughed. I also want you to know that these cartoons alone will be worth the cost of the book when it comes out.

Click on the cartoons to enlarge

Thanks a lot Eric. You are an angel.

Chocolate Vs Christ

I have had a rough day today. A lot of things have gone quite well. For example, I talked with two of my long-lost friends that I’d almost forgotten about. But some bad things have also happened. I won’t give examples lest you laugh at me. It is not the bad things that have made my day rough, but rather the combination of the two. My heart feels like it has been dumped into a running food processor, with the good stuff getting mixed with the bad stuff and messing me up.

So today, on my way from work, I visited a bakery and bought myself a chocolate cream cake in the name of counting it all joy when I fall into various trials (see James 1:2). You see, at church we say, “When you are faced with trials, throw a party.” And this was my way of throwing a party, or so I thought.

So I am seated at the dining table, taking an occasional bite on my chocolate cream cake, and asking myself some serious questions. For starters, if this is a party, it is a pity party. And I feel like an alcoholic turning to his bottle to drown out his problems. I am almost sure that the pleasure I am getting from the chocolate cream cake will not last long.

While it is good not to take life too seriously and to laugh at some of our problems, where do we draw the line between being carefree, and turning to something pleasurable to fulfil our deepest needs? I have come to realise that in this life, nothing really satisfies. Most times when we decide to get born again and clean up our lives, all we do is exchange bad behaviours with good ones, thinking that it will bring satisfaction in our lives. We need to realise that anyone can become good out of their own will-power. I know many non-Christian friends of mine who behave better than me.

I know it is pretty obvious that bad habits like smoking and drinking never satisfy. But I want to tell you that even the good ones also never satisfy. Even as I eat this cake, I know it won’t satisfy my deepest desire.

Only Christ satisfies.

Many times God has to knock us off our high horses so we can realise that him, and him only can satisfy. I sometimes turn to chocolate to drown out my pain. Another person turns to television, another to work, another to gardening, and most Christians turn to charity work and ministry. But all of these leave us empty and feeling dejected.

Only Christ satisfies.

I’ve only eaten half of the chocolate cake. It has lost its appeal because I know that compared to Christ, this chocolate is no match. It cannot bring lasting satisfaction.

What about you? When you are drowning in trials or problems, when you are wallowing in guilt or doubt, what do you turn to?

The Valley of The Shadow of Death

I’ve been to hell and come back. I don’t know your definition of hell, but my hell was loneliness, agony, depression, guilt and condemnation. The world has come crashing down on me before. But I am still alive.

I don’t know whether I am any stronger, or wiser. But who cares? I am still alive. And I am not alone. I have someone by my side at all times. He loves me, accepts me, and delights in me.

Over five years ago, I wrote a song. I was in the pits, the kind that David described as the valley of the shadow of death. At that point, I got to know that even in the valley of the shadow of death, He never left me. He still loved me.

He was always there, even when I didn’t feel him. That was why, in the middle of my pain and confusion, I wrote these words:

Before the world began

Before shape was formed

When sun, moon and stars

Never lit the sky

You were there

Across the firmament

Skies and heavens formed

With the spoken word

Unquestionably superior

You were there

Our forefathers saw you not

Prophets only dreamt

Archaeologists searched

But none could see that

You were there

Before your plan was fulfilled

Before I was thought of

In my mother’s womb you knit

And before she knew it

You were there

Out into the world I came

No silver spoon in mouth

And I could not see you

But in a glimmer of hope

You were there

My tears could forever flow

Agony, loneliness, ruin

That was I

Forever out of sight you seemed

But you were there

When I cried and wept

When I suffered loneliness

When nostalgia crept in

When hopelessness reigned

You were there

At first I never knew

But then your word said so

You are there in our hardest times

That is when I saw that

You were there.

That is when I saw that

You were there.

Are you in your own version of the valley of the shadow of death? He is there.

I AM AT A NAKED PARADE

Somebody called me a Universalist. I took it as a compliment, because one thing I know about Universalists is that they take God’s love to the extreme, even though sometimes it is screwed up. And I have always longed to be accused of taking God’s love to the extreme.

Now for those who are wondering whether I really am a Universalist, rest assured I am not. I don’t take any labels.

I also want people to know that I am not a heterosexual. Neither am I gay.

I am not a Pentecostal, Evangelical, Anglican or any other denomination man has ever cooked up. I don’t subscribe to any religious affiliation. I am not a Theist. And that doesn’t make me an Atheist.

I am not a chef. I am not a writer. I am not a musician.

I think I should also add this: I am not Ugandan, though I am very patriotic. I don’t litter on our city’s streets.

I am me. And I guess that’s why I don’t fit.

I have dropped all labels, even the ones that would look impressive on a certificate or plaque. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal.

I am just me.

Very many people fight for my attention, and when they realise that I don’t belong to their clique, they drop me like a hot coal. I know I would have more friends if I wore the same tee-shirt like them or stood up for the same causes as them. But I have dropped all labels.

If anyone ever remembers me, I want them to remember me as someone who was himself. If anyone ever accepts me, I want them to accept me for who I really am, not because I am just like them.

Heterosexuals throw stones at homosexuals. Homosexuals throw stones at heterosexuals. Muslims hate Christians and the Christians retaliate with false humility. One political party squashes another. And it’s all because everyone is proud of their label and don’t want to drop it.

In today’s world, a label is worth everything. People will kill for labels or die for them. That’s why there are suicide bombers. No woman would abort an unwanted child if she didn’t fear the label that would be pasted on her if society found out about it. Another would refuse to abort because she fears the label she would get from society if they knew her intentions.

Prada, Versace, Nokia, Microsoft and other labels wouldn’t be leaders in the market if undue importance was not subscribed to labels.

South Africans would not have endured Apartheid, and the Rwandan Genocide would never have happened if there were no labels.

That’s why I dropped mine, even at the expense of being shunned and ridiculed. I left the camp at the risk of losing friends or ever gaining new ones. And I am content where I am.

So next time you see me, and realise I am naked, just know that I don’t care. I’ve stripped myself of all pretences. Nothing matters to me. Only one thing really matters: Christ. For “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NKJV)

Does anyone want to join me in my naked parade? Can you risk being naked and not ashamed? Drop your labels!